The Question: Why Haven't You Healed Me?

“Then why haven’t you healed me?”

Those words hit like a load of bricks as I sat in the movie theater next to a friend of mine, watching episode 2 of season 3 of The Chosen for the first time. As this emotional scene between Little James and Jesus continued to play out—little did I know that it would be an answer to a prayer I had been praying for several years. It’s no secret to my family, friends, or followers on social media that I have a hormonal disorder called PCOS and have strug- gled with body image issues since I was ten years old. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Mayo Clinic defines PCOS as: “…a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs.”

The symptoms and signs of PCOS vary from person to person.

However, there are three major ones that will lead to a diagnosis of this disorder: - You have irregular or non-existent periods. - An excess of the male hormone testosterone and androgen. - Polycystic ovaries.

No one knows the exact cause of PCOS, but I wish they did. It would make curing, or at least treating the disorder, so much easier.

I’ve been blessed with loving parents and amazing doctors who are helping me through this. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make the heartache go away. It doesn’t make the longing to be “normal” go away. It doesn’t make the struggle to make good choices for my health easier. It doesn’t make the obsessive, intrusive thoughts go away —“this is why you don’t have a boyfriend,” and “no guy will ever love you or think you’re beautiful because of this,” and “you’ll never be a mother.” It doesn’t answer the why. I’ve prayed a lot of angry or sad prayers to God, asking why he allowed this to happen to me. “Why me?” “Did I do something wrong?” And the list goes on.

The hardest question I’ve asked God is the same one Little James asked: “Why haven’t you healed me?” As a Christian, I know that Jesus has the ability and power to heal people. We see Him do it countless times in the New Testament. God also healed people miraculously in the Old Testament as well. I know of stories, and personally heard testimonies from people who have experienced healing in this day and age. Why, after I, and others, have prayed for me hasn’t he healed me? Why hasn’t he healed my family members and friends who are struggling with difficult health issues?

It is hurtful, both to me, family, and friends when we have been told, or it is implied,—“you lack faith,” you have “unconfessed sins,” or “you need to pray more.” I believe, that is not how the God I personally know, follow, worship, and love, works. I’m confident that if God wanted to, He would heal me, my family members, and my friends, in a moment. As of now, that hasn’t been the case, and it may never be.

Therefore, there must be another reason why he hasn’t healed me. I finally felt that I got my answer while watching episode 2 of season 3 of The Chosen and I hope it encourages you to see through another lens and find a sense of peace, as I have.

There have been many episodes and moments in The Chosen that have touched me deeply, and have impacted my life and faith. But this moment between Jesus and Little James hit me in a defining way. As I sat there in the theater with many other Chosen fans, tears streaming down my face, I received my answer to the prayers I prayed since I was diagnosed with PCOS.

When episode 2 was released on The Chosen app—in my own creative way—I went back and rewrote the lines from the scene as if Jesus and I were having the following conversation: Me: Then why haven’t you healed me?

Jesus: Katharine…My precious Katharine. I need you to listen to Me very carefully. What I’m going to say defines your whole life to this point—and they will define the rest of your life. Do you understand?

Me: Yes.

Jesus: In the Father’s will, I could heal you, right now. And you’d have a good story to tell, yes?

Me: Yes, that you do miracles.

Jesus: And that’s a good story. But there are already dozens who can tell that story, and there will be hundreds more, even thousands. But think of the story that you have, if I don’t heal you. To know how to proclaim that you still praise God in spite of this; to know how to focus on all that matters so much more than the body; to show people that you can be patient with - J E N E N E STA F FO R D your suffering here on earth, because you know you’ll spend eternity with no suffering. Not everyone can understand that. How many people do you think the Father and I trust this with, hmm? Not many.

Me: But the others, they’re so much more… Jesus: So much more what? Me: I don’t know. Healthy? Beautiful? Normal? Jesus: Katharine, I love you, but I don’t want to hear that ever again.

Me: I know how easy it is to say the song of David, that “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made,” but it doesn’t make this any easier. And in my family and circle of friends, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m any more beautiful or normal.

Jesus: Beautiful? Normal? Is anyone normal? Do you turn people’s heads when you walk down the street? Maybe not. But these are things that the Father doesn’t care about. You are going to do more for Me than most people ever dream. So many people need healing in order to believe in Me, or they need healing because their hearts are so sick. That doesn’t apply to you. And many are healed or not healed because the Father in heaven had a different plan for them, which may be a mystery. And remember what Job said, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away—blessed be the name of the Lord.”

When you pass from this earth, and you meet Our Father in heaven—where there will be no suffering, illness, pain, or tears—your reward will be great. So hold on a little longer, and when you discover yourself finding true strength because of your weakness, and when you do great things for Me in spite of this—the impact will last generations. Do you understand?

Me: Yes.

Jesus: A young woman like you, who will love and encourage other women who struggle as you do—what a sight that will be! I can’t wait to hear those life-changing stories! Remember, you will be healed. It’s only a matter of time—just stick with Me.